"A sparkling drop of retsyn."
The phrase
comes from a television ad campaign that was airing in 1968, the year the
Viet-Nam War was at its peek; the year of the Tet Offensive and our most concentrated attacks on infamous Ho Chi-Minh
Trail. *
I was in
7th grade at the time and watched enough television to have this marketing
slogan pop into my head forty-five years later as I lay in bed before a open window enjoying the cool evening air and reflecting on the beauty of the Tasman Bridge, its illuminated arch etched gracefully behind the empty masts of anchored sailing ships asleep on the still waters of Lindisfarne Bay.
Who can possibly under estimate the manipulative, mind-altering power of media and
advertising?
And who will try the first civil case for damages
inflicted on unsuspecting workers repetitively exposed to a daily assault of
commercials, jingles, and pop music raining down from ceiling sound systems in
department stores across America?
Who will put the first dollar figure on the cost of
psychotherapy and related treatments? The value associated with lost
productivity from lethargy, irritability and sick days that result from
depression and anxiety exacerbated by this kind of unrelenting audio
conditioning? (See "High
Fidelity" Nick Hornby Victor Gollancz LTD 1995. Narrator attributes his teen depression to the pop music he
listened to).
Consider the long list of suicides and drug overdoses of
rock circuit performers forced to play the same emotionally debilitating, mind
numbing songs, night after night to audiences “programmed to receive.” (Name
that tune!) Could these untimely deaths be rooted in chronic self-medication to escape the torment of the very music they promote? And what of those who have survived? Just look at Ozzy Osborne. Do you think he was born that way?
Anyway, in
1956 some ad agency suggested to the American Chicle Company that if they wanted
to manufacture a breath mint that would really sell, they had to come up with
something different, something special, something better than just a plain old
mint. It had to contain something powerful, something magical, something that no other mint could
possibly recreate. In other words, what they needed was a secret ingredient.
So down to the candy lab went the wise men of the board, and to their head candy cook they announced,
So down to the candy lab went the wise men of the board, and to their head candy cook they announced,
“We need
something new. Something powerful, something magical, something no other breath
mint could possibly recreate and we need you to invent it for us now!”
The cook wiped his hands on his apron and said, “Sure, just give me a minute.”
Down from
the shelf he took a box of sugar, and into a bowl he spooned a bit. Then from over by a big cast iron
stove, loaded with bubbling pots of sweet smelling solutions,
he grabbed a bottle of partially hydrogenated cotton seed oil, a staple in any
candy maker’s kitchen. Into the bowl went a healthy dash. A few seasonings, perhaps used in the classic Chiclet or spicy stick of Dentyne may have been added. After all, both were company owned
brands. But it wasn't until
the head candy cook reached beneath the sink and pulled out a big jar of
copper gluconate and shook a liberal dose of the blue crystals into the bowl, that the mysterious mixture became the sparkling drop that would be added to each and every
Certs lozenge.
“Voila”
said Brooklyn born cook in his best French accent, “ I geeve yew, RETSYN!”
It sounded almost space age. Retsyn, like that family of cartoon astronauts that would soon come to TV
called “The Jetsons." Yeah, Certs
caught on in a flash. It was as
the ad said, “two
mints in one.” It had twice the punch and double the
value. A breath sanitizer and sweet treat within one tightly rolled, twelve serving wrapper.
Remember,
this product came from a company once owned by a doctor who understood that
medicine didn’t have to taste bad to be good. His name was Dr. Edwin Beeman. He was a research scientist who was in awe of the incredible
variety of garbage his pet pigs could eat while displaying not the least bit of
gastro intestinal discomfort. So
the doctor took to analyzing the stomach juices that aided his pigs’
superlative digestion.
Low and
behold, after months of late nights in sty and in lab, Dr. Beeman managed to
isolate the enzyme pepsin, which in repeated tests, appeared to work wonders in
relieving human indigestion.
Unfortunately, his attempt to market pepsin as Pepsin, a soothing elixir
extracted from the stomach lining of hogs, just didn’t go over well with
consumers. Dumbfounded, he
confided to young shop keeper his bewilderment with why such a worthy product
was such a failure. The clerk just
smiled and said,
“I bet it
would sell if it tasted like bubble gum.”
So Dr.
Beeman invented Pepsin Chewing Gum for the bloated, overwrought belly and sell
it did! Before long, the product
caught the attention of William White, owner of Wm. White & Son, the
largest chewing gum manufacturer in the world. He bought Beeman out, and by 1919 had constructed a two
million dollar plant under the masthead of the American Chicle Company. American Chicle was responsible for a
lot of American chewing gum standards, Chiclets, Dentyne, Clorets to name only a few.
After Certs became America’s number one breath mint, Warner- Lambert
Pharmaceutical Company, flush with cash from their ever expanding drug sales,
added American Chicle to their acquisition list. Accustom to shipping its pharmaceuticals worldwide, tariff
fee, Warner- Lambert took the US Customs office to court for classifying Certs as candy and subjecting them to international shipping duties. Come-on guys, this was Certs, America’s very own “two mints in
one”! Each lozenge contains a single, sparkling drop of retsyn, odor eater and
oral bacteria cleanser. Certs is breath medicine made to taste good.
Unfortunately,
since most of what goes into Certs is simply refined sugar, the Customs people
didn’t see it that way. But thank goodness for mom, apple pie and well-heeled
lawyers.
Arguing
that the chemicals in restyn stimulated the salivary glands, releasing heighten
levels of this natural cleanser, the attorneys for Warner-Lambert convinced the
appeals court to forget the sugar and focus on the medicinal values of
retsyn. In the end, the lower
court’s decision was reversed, and Certs, the breath mint that contained no mint, became
the equivalent of a true pharmaceutical, imported and exported without the burden of
profit-sharing tariffs.
With tax encumbrances removed, Certs became an even more popular commodity. Pfizer, a global leader
in drug manufacturing and sales, appreciated what a sweet addition Certs would be to its
nearly endless list of medicinal, mouth freshening products. In June 2000, the deal was done and
Warner Lambert and Pfizer Pharmaceuticals merged forces, creating the most
valuable and fastest growing drug company in the world.
Ah, that sparkling drop of Retsyn! It must really be magic!
The ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdWVZfbDdw8&feature=fvwp&NR=1
* On November 11, 1968, Operation Commando Hunt was
initiated by the U.S. and its allies. The goal of the operation was to
interdict men and supplies on the Ho Chi Minh trail, through Laos into South
Vietnam. By the end of the operation, three million tons of bombs were dropped
on Laos, which slowed but did not consistently disrupt trail operations.
The North Vietnamese also
used the Ho Chi Minh Trail to send soldiers to the south. At times, as many as
20,000 soldiers a month came from Hanoi by this way. In an attempt to stop this
traffic, it was suggested that a barrier of barbed wire and minefields, called
the McNamara Line, should be built. The plan was abandoned in 1967 after
repeated attacks by the NLF on those involved in constructing the barrier.
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